Posted by Joyce
Went to the doctor today, mainly because I hoped he would have had a report from the hospital by now about the lump (he hadn't), but he asked how I was, and then stood back as I flooded his surgery. To be fair, he was extremely kind, and managed to ignore all the restive sighs coming from the other side of the door while he asked me all about it, and even gave me a big handful of tissues to take away, and let me down the back stairs after, so I didn't have to walk through the waiting room. Must have been bad. His profound medical opinion was that "a person can take only so many knocks. You've had a fair few in the last few years. Something has to give. Give yourself a break". He asked me if I wanted medication, and said he would be happy to prescribe it, but he actually thought that in the short term, 8 weeks off work might help more. But I just felt if I do that, I will never be able to face going back, and it's only for two days a week anyway, for goodness sake. So I am going to go back tomorrow, and see how I get on. To be honest, work is probably the place where I most have myself together, whereas at home, I seem to be crying half the day these last two weeks. Sleep would help as well, of course.

Anyway, after I'd been there, we did some holiday shopping, which was fun, and spent some Waterstones vouchers that we'd had in the house for ages. We then spent ages looking at seed catalogues, and thought about what we'd plant once we stop getting night frosts. And then I let Hannah watch the Lizzie McGuire movie. (my resistance was low, is my only excuse). This brought up out of the blue a little problem she's been having at drama, and hadn't told me about, so we practised lots of ways of dealing with the situation, and she says she feels better about it now (so she's calm, I just feel like storming up to someone's door and punching their lights out, without asking for ANY explanations. LOL). And then at bedtime, she said the funniest thing. I asked her if she wanted a book or anything, and she said just to put the light out, as her mind had been too busy all day, and she wanted to do some dream programming before she went to sleep. (WTF???) My 7 year old has better emotional intelligence than I do......

Anyway, might not blog for a couple of days, as I'll be in Edinburgh, and DH will be decorating, so I don't know if I'll even be able to get in here to the PC.

Posted by Joyce
Ah, well, here's my fiddle question answered. From: http://www.scottish-fiddle.com/ "The Scottish fiddle is the same instrument as the classical violin - played in a different style. Lovers of violin, fiddle and Celtic music the world over have come to enjoy the violin music of Scotland. Scottish fiddle music is relatively easy to play and very accessible. Basic training in playing the violin and reading music will equip you well for your journey of discovery into Scotland and the Celtic traditions of the Scottish fiddle".

But - relatively easy to learn? Not convinced about that. But Hannah just loved it when we took her to a Ceilidh, so maybe she would be inspired enough. Problem is, I wouldn't even be able to help her tune the thing.

Posted by Joyce
I wish I felt better.......I'm fine really - and yet - I still feel panicky and shaky. Fine outdoors, but I just feel that one tiny problem could prove to be the one that send me right over the edge.

Anyway - we were at Homebase by 9am this morning, and bought some wallpaper for our room, which is sadly in need of a re-vamp. Its one of these real mid-nineties floral affairs atm, with EVERYTHING matching, from the wallpaper, to the curtains, duvet covers and light shades. Its been making me shudder for the last three years or so, but there has always been something else needing done. However, this is the week. Ideally, we would just have painted it, but the plaster isn't good enough, so I got a really pale cream paper, just slightly textured, but otherwise completely plain, and some new bedding, which doesn't match, (and isn't floral!!) and plain cream curtains. So hopefully it'll be less oppressive.

Spent a couple of hours in the library, where I bought some stuff from the library sale, and we borrowed a Spanish kids cookery book, and a basic geography book. Can't quite believe how this whole Spanish thing has fired her imagination and interest.

As it was about lunchtime then, and DH was still trying to sleep after his night shift, we took ourselves to the soft play for lunch. It was odd, actually, as we haven't been during a school day for months and the last time we went, DH was with me. But today it was really busy with toddlers, and loads of woman sitting it small groups, and I really felt a bit nostalgic. Partly just for that lovely three year old stage, which I'm gradually coming to accept that I will never have again, and partly just for that whole belonging thing. Just being part of a group of women, having people to go out casually with during the day.

When we came home, we selected our recipes for tomorrow (chilled tomato soup and Madeline's), and read the Spanish geography book. It's fascinating watching the connections, as she thought through the Romans being in Spain, and what I did think was interesting was when the book had a picture of Torremolinos in the 1980s. Quite spontaneously she asked how they got enough water to supply all these people, when the country was so dry there. So we looked it up, and discovered that apparently they build dams in Catalonia to service the tourist needs in the South, and that there is currently protests in Catalonia about a major river diversion scheme. So that led on to green tourism, and she asked about how tourism could be "good" on one hand, as the book had already mentioned in being a main industry, and yet how it could damage the environment, destroy local cultures, and tie people into low paid service industries. And while clearly the issues are more complex than she could fully grasp, I did think it was interesting that a 7 year old is already trying to make sense of things like this.

This evening, I dropped her off at Brownies for an extra "challenge" session, where they all had to take a decorated Easter Egg, make an Easter cake, and make a hat. Hannah has laboured over hers for days, so her face fell, when she saw all the immaculate and intricate hats that I have to believe had major parental input. As for the cake, she'd been so pleased with her marzipan chicks perched on top of her home made victoria sponge, which had been smeared with chocolate icing and scattered with mini eggs and green angelica, but she was a bit taken aback (as I was!!), by some of the other ones. I told her that Brown Owl had really wanted to see here own efforts, but even so, I crept out feeling like a bad mother. And listened in the car park to how everyone else had been up at midnight putting the finishing touches on their creations. (and I was saying earlier that I missed these people). I just need all of you lot to move to Scotland, that would fix it. :-)

Posted by Joyce

We've had a good week, once I decided that I really was going to opt out of work. I feel better than I did last week at this time, though I'm still feeling very panicky about going to work, but that might be work, rather than me. Anyway, would need a sick line if I didn't go this week, so I need to get my act together.

We've been swimming a couple of times, and watched Muzzy till I feel like screaming ;-) and made Spanish labels to stick around the house. Also done a fair bit of Easter crafts, and some baking. As I finally got the freezer defrosted, we've also had a bit of a cook-fest, refilling it. Hannah suddenly took to her recorder again, so we've had rather a lot of that, and she has asked again for fiddle lessons. She is very specific that it is "fiddle" - like she hears at Scottish Country dancing, that she wants, rather than violin, but I'm embarrassed to show my ignorance. Are they actually the same instrument played in different ways - if so, should she have some classical violin training before attempting fiddle, or what? Anybody know?

Thankfully for her birthday she has asked my mum and dad for some small size gardening tools, and she has asked FIL for one of these little polythene mini-greenhouse things, and some grow backs. So no more plastic anything coming into the house! Great.

Her reading is really improving rapidly now, and she is managing about a book a week. So long as the book isn't too thick, which panics her, and the print is not less than 16 pt, she is more or less tackling anything. So a big relief there.

And as for me - well, I'm just happy the clocks went forward :-)

Posted by Joyce
DH was off on Monday and Tuesday, so we had a pottering around sort of time. He would never see Hannah if she was at school, and though I hate weekends by myself, days off during the week have their advantages.

Hannah wanted to do "experiments" on Monday, so the two of them worked through a couple of the science kits, and then we went outside and planned out some garden developments. We shall see. Then we went and had the nice lunch we didn't get on Sunday, and Hannah played on the outdoor equipment at the restaurant for ages, so it even seemed like a relaxing time, and we got time to talk to one another. In the evening, Hannah had her Scottish country dancing display, and my heart was in my mouth throughout, as she was really nervous beforehand, but she did well. Phew. Between lunch and dancing she also had a swimming lesson, and after polishing off 4 lengths of the pool without any problem finally got moved up a class.

Tuesday we confirmed the holiday I'd provisionally held, so we are off to Spain in the not to distant future. Got good day time flights from Glasgow as well, so only the car hire left to arrange. In the holiday mood by that time, we all went to Glasgow, had a snack lunch, and hit the shops - to find not one thing that we liked :-( Hannah was upset, as she is wearing clothes for an 11 year old, and at seven, what fits is not what she feels comfy in. She's nearly five feet. Her paediatrician is concerned again about her growth rate, which seems to be accelerating again. I'm resisting Boden for clothes, but may need to review this. We couldn't even get shoes for her, which is an ongoing moan of mine, that they don't do size 3 shoes in an H fitting, and she complains that everything is too tight. Plus again, at size three, they nearly all have a higher heel. Can't even get Doodles from Clarks. What *are* young kids with big feet meant to do. As we left the city, we got snarled up in a traffic jam, so dumped the car, and headed to All Bar One, so again, all very civilised.

Hannah also started to watch the Muzzy Spanish videos, kindly loaned to us by Alexia, and seems to be enjoying them, and has been mouthing off in Spanish - I'm not sure I'll be so keen on them after the third viewing, but they're a hit with her.

And then today something odd happened. I was meant to be at work, as was DH, so I dropped Hannah at the childminder, and I got about 30 miles along the road, and I have what I can only think was a panic attack. Never happened to me before, but I was sick, shaky, sweaty, heart pounding, and felt really afraid, and absolutely unable to continue to work. I just thought of the big pile of work, and the office politics, and the fact that we have management consultants in just now to review us, etc etc, and I could NOT do it. I sat in the car for ages, then drove to the nearest rest stop (a greasy spoon in a lay-by), and had some tea. And then I phoned in sick from the car, and came home. And I've been fine since. I'm feeling a bit odd generally just now though - I was obviously stressed out of my mind for the last month, but under the circumstances I coped well, held things together, went to work etc. But since last Thursday I've been an emotional wreck. I keep crying, and feeling really low, though I would've expected to be dead happy. I told them I wouldn't be in tomorrow either, but I'll need to sort myself out for next week. Anyway, in the afternoon, I took the chance of Hannah not being there to sort out a lot of her books. Now we've discussed this several times, and she's agreed it needs done - in fact, she asked several times when I'm going to get round to doing it. The bookcases were all so full we could find nothing, and everytime you took one book out, six fell on your head. But when she came home, she went up to her room, took one look, and burst into tears. (all a bit watery here today lol). She's still awake, and says she can't sleep without her books in the room. She cried so much for Owl Babies and Once There Were Giants I had to unearth them from the boxes for her. We've agreed that the boxes won't go in the loft till the weekend, and if she is still missing them by then, then we can unpack them all - but I've said that something else will need to get packed away instead, as there is literally no room in there for everything. (or indeed anywhere else). I wish I could solve this perennial storage problem. I feel like every room in the house, including the toilet, has HE related stuff in it. I've done all the clever storage solutions, bought out Ikea, but the bottom line is you need to have the space to actually put the storage stuff, so while another bookcase would seem sensible, we don't have a space on the wall to put the thing. We've already got bookcases in the hall, and on the upstairs landing, in all the bedrooms, even the kitchen. And I've only got one.......(child that is, not bookcase)

Posted by Joyce
An iffy sort of day. We don't do Mother's Day (or Father's Day) or Valentines Day - in fact DH and I are really poor at doing one another's birthdays. But we did decide to have a nice lunch out today, as it was DH's precious weekend off, to discover we couldn't get in ANYWHERE as everyone else was out for a Mother's Day lunch. So for some reason, that made me grumpy.

Anyway, we've narrowed the holiday choice down to Spain or Greece, with Spain being the most likely contender. So in the true spirit of HE, Hannah has spent the day with her Spanish tapes, "in case she meets any children", and Bob taught her to cook Paella. Which I have to say was not substantially different from the Risotto I taught her to make last week, but I think if its vegetarian, basically it cooks down to veggies and rice, no matter what you call it. She then found Spain on the talking globe, and we had a discussion about the Spanish Civil War, which was rather hazy on my part, I have to admit. Where is Jean Brodie when you need her? So must work that one out before the morning. She listened to Spanish music, and pranced around doing Flamenco, with castanets. Again, not sure how culturally accurate all this is, but she seemed to enjoy it. Goes without saying that we also had a stab at a hama flag, but that was a bit challenging because of the icon in the middle. So our's just has a splodge. Not sure if I can keep this up for another fortnight, to be honest.

Also tried on all her summer clothes, and not one thing fits. So a bit of a retail opportunity there.

Posted by Joyce

My comments are working again! Thanks Sarah.

Posted by Joyce

Seriously pissed off that my comments have sneaked off while I've been away. Not only no facility to leave comments, but its eaten all my existing ones as well. No idea how long its been done for, but rather relieved to discover that its not just that no one is talking to me....

Got a nice surprise with an unexpected tax rebate in the pay slip this month. (well - can't pretend - DH's payslip, but what's his is mine etc LOL). Anyway, we took about 30 seconds to consider that we really should replace the central heating boiler, and then ditched that idea in favour of a holiday in the sun, ASAP, with a pile of trashy novels.So I've spent the day browsing about looking at the options. Hannah is very excited about it all, and convinced that its her birthday present.

Gradually creeping back out of hibernation, and telling people who I've avoided for the last month what's been going on, but still feeling amazingly exhausted and over emotional.

We got an order from the Book People, with three Usborne internet linked encyclopaedias, and we've done a bit of FIARing. Hannah has practised reading holiday brochures, and then she and DH made some bread. There's a perfectly good bread machine, but they did it by hand, and they discussed at great length the properties of yeast. While I dozed on the sofa. Thanks goodness he's off for a few days.

We must do something with the pile of Young Scientist kits as well - we got a damaged one last month, which had been in the post since before Xmas, so yesterday, we got the replacement for that, plus January and February's all at once, so its looking a bit.....demanding.

Posted by Joyce
Well, I'm back. We've had a very stressful three weeks here, due to a breast lump (mine).Anyway, my appointment for the one stop clinic came through, and I'm feeling very lucky to be told it's benign. The relief of that even got me through the cattle market of the clinic - couldn't believe that they make you take off your clothes before the doctor even comes into the room, so he can rush in and starting poking straight away.How empowering is that, that you meet the doctor to whom you entrust your life, for the first time, while flat on your back and half naked. But on the other hand - the relief. I feel like I've won the lottery - and I suppose in some bizarre way, I have. I've to go back in three months - the surgeon says he is happy to leave it in situ, but to be honest, I want it out, scar or no scar. So we've agreed that it its still there in three months, then he'll arrange to do it. I've been very upset, as my two closest friends have both died in the last three years with pre-menopausal breast cancer (both younger than me), and I have three other friends all very ill with it. I don't have a good experience of this. Anyway, I'm knackered, and very bruised and battered, having been squashed, X-rayed, poked, prodded, scanned and aspirated, but happy. And feeling blessed, in a way.

So we've had a weird few weeks. We've spent lots of time reading, and Hannah read by herself, the whole of the rainbow fairies series, all of Felicity Wishes Magical Mishaps and the first book in the Magic Unicorn series. She insisted that by managing to read by herself, I wouldn't have to worry about how she was going to learn things if I was ill. I've also taught her to knit, and to cook boiled eggs, pasta, lentil soup, lentil loaf and risotto. We've done some FIAR-ing, and used the talking globe A LOT! We've also grown cress, and bought one of those little cold frame things for her to start off the rest of her seeds, though we've had snow again so haven't done that yet.

I still haven't mastered pictures on the blog, but I have lost a stone in weight over three weeks, due to eating nothing and having constant diarrhoea (TMI!)

It'll take me a while to get back into the swing of blogging, but its good to be back. And thanks to all of you for your continued blogging - many nights I've been prowling the blogs at 3pm, looking for distraction, and at least one of you (plus Sarah LOL), have nearly always provided it.

Posted by Joyce

Dear Blog Addicts ;-)

Just to say I'm being very remiss just now, and normal blog service will be resumed as soon as possible.