I've re-located!

to here

I was going to wait till NYD, but I am never going to get all my posts into cyber-tupperware before then, so I'm doing it now. I'll ask Jax to help put me on the blogring though, as I am frightened to touch the template. But as someone who positively relished sorting the large mixed hama tub into little containers, I'm in my element :-). Bye blogger, it's been nice knowing you :-)

Hm, not sure why they all published as a separate entries, rather than just one, but only playing anyway. Hello does seems to lose a lot of the picture quality though - these were all much sharper on the PC than they are here. Never mind.


There's a Viking in our jacuzzi!

The infamous geomags 

Outside Santa's grotto 

Just to remind me that she does, sometimes ;-) 

A cottage industry 

Looking angelic 

One for me 

Thank you, thank you, thank you........

.......We are already starting to see the days lengthen a little bit. It's 3.30pm, and still daylight, whereas last week it was properly dark by that time. I can't even begin to explain how happy that makes me feel.

We popped into town for a little while today, as we HAD to get out of the house, but the rain was torrential. However, I didn't realise that my mouth was only feeling relatively OK inside in the warm, and within about 20 mins outside, I had this horrendous boring pain in my mouth again, to the extent that my eyes were actually streaming with the pain. However, the lesions do seem less today, but I hope to goodness this neuralgia isn't an ongoing feature. Hannah bought herself a half- price annual and a half-price National Geographic calander, and we scuttled off back home for toasties and hot chocolate.

After lunch, I realised Hannah had locked herself in the bathroom for an awfully long time, and when I got her to open the door, she had jammed herself into the space between the bath and the sink, along with a couple of cushions, and her baby duvet thing, and was reading happily. I tried to entice her out, but she insisted she needed to be in a small space. Shrug. I think we've probably had enough of Christmas.

Bob phoned, and we managed to have a brisk discussion as I had misunderstood his New Year shifts. I *thought* he was going to be on an early on hogmanay (i.e. home by 4pm), followed by a late shift on New Year's Day (not leaving here till 2pm), but in fact he tells me now that he will be lucky to be home by midnight on hogmanay. Which somehow managed to make me feel remarkably hard done by. Again.

While Hannah has been sitting in the bathroom, I have managed to undertake a task I have been putting off for 363 days. Last hogmanay, I took out a subscription to SchoolExpress, and I haven't really used it that much. I had however, been planning to download the unit studies (optimistically telling myself I'd do 3 or 4 a week). Well, I didn't, and I had no intention of renewing the subscription, so I suddenly realised it was today or never. In the end, I couldn't be gassed being selective, so I downloaded the lot, and have a complete CD of all the unit studies, so I am feeling very virtuous. I have had less success with my other project of the week :-(

"Oh, yum, can we have brussel sprouts again?"

Do I have the oddest child on earth or what? I love my veggies, but even I couldn't describe myself as a sprout enthusiast. It was a bit of a day of two halves, really. We should probably have gone out, but I couldn't face the sale traffic, and the weather has been totally foul. Also, as my windscreen wiper is still missing on the passenger side, I thought going out in the car in driving rain wasn't so sensible. But we've been stuck in on our own together since Thursday, so I think tomorrow we need to do something outside, no matter what. The first thing will be a trip to the Peugot garage as soon as it re-opens to get a windscreen wiper.

This morning went OK - a longish lie, followed by Rummy, Quiridor and Monopoly till it was time for a late lunch, but things went downhill rather after that. Hannah flounced around slamming doors and refusing to talk to me, till I left her to her own devices, and did some surfing. An hour later she appeared in tears wanting to "make friends", so we had a long snuggle in front of CBBC.

Bob appeared about 6pm and made day 2 of the Christmas dinner (hence the sprouts), and she has just had another tanturm as I was coercive and made her go to bed at 8pm. Despite the fact that she is not tired, hates me, and wishes she had a mother who understood her, and wasn't a nasty, horrible person. Oh well, that went well. Sort of backs up my mother's view that the thing that's wrong with HEed children is that they are terribly assertive, and not good at doing what they are told, when they are told. Oh well, at least no one gave me a sticker chart for a present this year :-/

But other than that, not a bad day, really. I think feeling cheesed is a bit cyclical though, as I am very pissed off again that Bob won't be at home till 3 Jan, just in time for me to pass over the baton before I go back to work on the 4th.

Edited to insert rant

A few weeks before Xmas, an acquaintance asked me if I would do some work putting together a PR plan for her. I said initially that I wasn't taking on any more work, but she then made it clear that she wasn't expecting to pay for it, and expected me to do her a freebie. So I was sort of caught unawares, and as I do actually believe in skill sharing, I said I would do it.

However, when I looked at my diary, and scoped out the work, I realised I was looking at a full day of work, and between Xmas, our re-organisation at work and all the associated hassle, Hannsh's Xmas concerts etc, plus the fact I have a mouth full of cold sores, I realised the only time I could do it was on a Saturday. So I got back to her with the two days in December that were possibilities, and her only response really was that the weekend as their family time, and she would rather I did it during the week - and then she gave me a detailed run down of her diary as to why she couldn't fit me in on various days. However, I stood firm on that point, and said that while I understood that weekends were her family time, week days were ours, so it was a Saturday or not at all. Didn't hear anything else till the week before Xmas, when she phoned several times a day, leaving me increasingly agitated messages about why it was essential to get this done. Bob eventually called her back, and explained that I was really busy, travelling a lot, wasn't very well etc, and he knew that I wouldn't be in a position to do it before Xmas any longer, as the two days I had identified as possibilities were now passed. He also said that if she was willing to bring over all the materials, then I might be able to do it in dribs and drabs over a week or so, and she said to him could HE not go to her and collect the stuff. Er - no. She prides herself on not being able to use the copmuter, so electronically isn't really an option. He said she was really a bit pissed off, but agreed to leave it till after Xmas, so she phoned twice yesterday - once when I was in the bath, and again when we were having our dinner, asking me to call her urgently, as it was now imperative to have it done. I actually forgot to call back, and she's been on the phone again while I was on the other line to someone else. Now I'm feeling confused between angry and guilty. Yes, I did say I would do it, so I feel an obligation to follow through. On the other hand, she turned down the initial dates I offered her, and seems completely oblivious to the fact she is asking me to do something during my holiday, when I'm on my own, and not that well, and for free, that I would normally get paid rather a *lot* of money for.

I think I'm also feeling a bit narked as this same person phoned me one day asking if I would look after her kids. I was happy to do it, but that I would really be more comfortable in my own house, as she wanted me there all day, so if she could bring the kids to me, I'd look after them here. And she was really annoyed, and said that it was 15 miles (yes, I know), and really she didn't have the extra time to bring them to me first, and it would be much more convenient (for whom?) if I went to them. When I wouldn't do it, she got all shirty and told me not to bother then. Why am I such a woose in these situations? I'm so annoyed at myself. :-( She keeps saying to me that with only one child, (although her's are both older than Hannah) and a DH that pulls his weight, I don't know the meaning to the word busy. Ho hum. Creative solutions in the usual place, please. :-(

Boxing day

A very lazy day, but in some ways nicer than yesterday, as there are no expectations of Boxing Day, which makes it all easier if you can't have a family time. Hannah kept her presents and stocking till DH was home yesterday, and we did have a nice present opening session in the evening. She was delighted beyond belief by the BB doll, and associated accessories, supplied by Katy, Alison and me. I did feel associated pangs of guilt that this doll had more clothes than half the world's children, but my only consolation was that we bought goats in memory of my sister and niece this year, and the dolls clothes were knitted from wool that I ripped out of Hannah's baby jackets. The pink boom box thing was what she had asked for (the doll was a wishful wish that she didn't expect), and she was delighted with that, and has been listening to the Horrible History CDs she got in her stocking. And I've got my walkman back.

Today she has stayed in her pyjamas all day, and played with the doll, who is probably severely over-hydrated by now, while listening to her CDs. She got a charm bracelet from my mum and dad, and tap shoes for Bob's dad, and that was the lot, so I'm glad to say that we are not reeling under a sea of tat. I feel we've struck a good balance of her getting enough to feel that it was exciting and she has some new things, but not so much that it all felt awful. Our family board game this year, which is a bit of a tradition, was Quoridor.

I splashed out a got DH a digital radio, which he has been longing for for months. If the PC is my vice, the radio is his, and I know he really wanted it, though would never buy anything like that for himself. We can obviously get digital through the TV, but he really likes a portable radio he can cart around with him. At the last minute, I also bought him pacman to use on the TV. Many of you don't remember this, but in the early 80s, you would go to pubs specifically if they had space invader and Pacman tables, so a real blast from the past. I got a couple of books, and a new pair of shoes, which are rather nice - black suede cloggy type things, with flowers and butterflies embroidered on them. I didn't have any shoes between my brasher boots and killer heels for work, so that was good :-)

We are just about to have a fancy dinner tonight, as we only had snacky type food yesterday since we were on our own, so Bob is just home, and I'm off to open a bottle of wine ;-)

Oh - and we got a white Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone

According to Santa tracker, he is currently over the Pyramids, but in reality, he's just been here. Stockings filled, wine drunk (me, rather a lot), Hannah soundly asleep in my bed, and loving messages have been IM'ed to DH, who will hopefully re-appear at some point tomorrow (well, today). Have a lovely day everyone. xxx

How can it be that the house seems disgustingly full of food, but there was nothing for our dinner tonight? We'd spent the day with Bob's dad, and then got caught in traffic coming home, and as Bob was about to go out on night shift, we needed something quick so that he could sleep for a couple of hours. So we ended up at the chip shop :-(

I slept rather blissfully last night with these new painkillers - so well that I was frightened to take them during the day, so spent another miserable day, with paracetamol and ibuprofen not really touching it. But they are all ready to take as soon as I'm ready for bed. :-) Hannah wanted to sleep with me, so I've said she can, as it's probably the best place for her if I'm very sleepy.

I let her open her present from Papa while we were there, so that he could see them (as I'd actually shopped for them), so she was very pleased to get a pair of sparkly tap shoes as she wants to re-start tap along with Jazz after the holiday, and a Blue Peter Annual. I was a Blue Peter child, but we have ideological differences in this house, as DH was a Magpie boy.

This evening, she made hama coaster for my mum and dad, and a pin cushion for my mum, so since I had the iron out, I cleared the ironing basket, while watching Gregory's Girl. A real blast from the past.

The weather is incredibly stormy, and it's snowing further north, but not here (yet). Our first Christmas here was a white one, so we must be about due another. And I think that's it. Tomorrow is really my favourite day, as I like the anticipation almost more than the main event, so Hannah and I are going to have a lazy relaxed day

Happy Birthday, Dad

Not, I hasten to add, that I would ever allow him to read my blog ;-)

My Dad is 70 today, and I have to say that makes me feel older than anything else in my life thus far. He certainly doesn't look it (I should have looked at Bob's dad more carefully really before I married him, as having a full head of hair certainly helps). He also keeps very active, and him and my mum have at least a 5 mile walk every day, and possibly more importantly, he is really active in his local community, and has some interesting hobbies.

He grew up without knowing his mother - she died when he was three days old, on Xmas day 1934, of a post-partum haemorrhage. Apparently his mother had a sister who had never been able to have children, and she just assumed that she would be allowed to adopt him, but his father insisted that he would keep him. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for a working class man in the 30s, when men really didn't get that involved in childcare. But I remember my dad as being a really tactile, loving parent, and I wonder sometimes if that was because he had all his "mothering" from a man, so he had a good role model.

My grandfather, his dad, died a fortnight after my sister, on his own, with a heart attack. He wasn't found for a couple of days, and I can't imagine what that must do to you - to lose your child, and your only parent within days of one another.

I'm sure my mum would tell it differently, but I can't remember my dad ever being really angry with us, and he didn't believe in smacking his kids - he's very tall, and I think he always felt he was just too big to do that. When I was 16, I left home and went away to work and live in a hotel. Dad dropped me off, and we were both so determined not to cry that he just sort of nodded to one another, and said "right then", and off he went. I survived three hours, and phoned home in floods of tears. Dad was just pulling up at home when I phoned, and when Mum told him I was upset, he just told me to sit tight, and he'd be straight back to pick me up. When I said I was going home, the hotel chucked me out, and three hours later, Mum and Dad picked me up from the street, where I'd been sitting on the pavement on my suitcase. Six hours in the car, and all he said was "well, lass, you'll be feeling like some chips, are you?"

I had another run to a different hotel a week later, and managed to stay that time :-)

Dad had always wanted to go to university, but didn't want to defer his national service to go, and by the time he finished it, my mum and dad were married, and having me. But he went as a mature student, graduating the same summer as I started. I was really proud of him at his graduation ceremony.

He adores my mother, and has always been the mediator between us.

I've always felt that if the chips were down, my dad would stand up for me. On my wedding day, we were driving to the ceremony, and he got the driver to stop, and said to me that the most important thing was that I was sure. He told me that if I wanted to call it off, then I should do it: he told me not to worry about the expense, the guests, what other people would think, and not about my mother. If I wanted to, I could just walk away, and he would deal with everything. And having that permission to walk away was all I needed to know I didn't want to.

Since then, he has renovated three houses for us to varying degrees. When Bob and I moved in here nine years ago tomorrow, with me 20 weeks pregnant, and already quite ill, he dropped all the work he was in the middle of doing on their own new house, and spent days every week getting this place habitable. ( I wish I hadn't stopped him though before he dragged out the brown suite in the downstairs loo. At the time, I couldn't face being without water for a day, but nine years on, we still have the bloody thing, and its SO naff it's almost trendy. Not)

I think one of the big pleasures in his life has been me having Hannah, and he has doted on her since the moment he saw her. I think Hannah went a long way to fixing many broken hearts in our family. She calls him Granda Superstar. I don't see him nearly as often as I should, but, Dad, I love you a lot :-)

Spent a horrible night feeling feverish and achy, and by morning had another set of blisters all over the roof of my mouth, and the neuralgic type pain was awful. Like my nose was being bored open from below. (nice, huh). So I phoned the doctor, he had a look, and pronounced that I did indeed have some kind of herpes infection. Probably just the bog standard kind, rather than shingles, but as he said "very very nasty. Have you been under any stress?" I did a sort of Nic imitation - "Stress? Me?Nah. Well, except for blah, blah, blah." After he turned pale with horror and reached for the phone to call social services, the man in the white coat with the strait jacket, and his panic button, I shaped up, and said "but I'm coping fine, really".

So he prescribed some serious R+R over the holidays and some decent prescription-only analgesia, and told me to come back in a week if it hadn't improved. So I took that as a recommendation not to go to the office after all today, and phoned in sick. It was rather more impressive to say "I've got one of the nastiest herpes infections my GP has ever seen, and he says I must rest", than to tell them I was bunking off cos I had cold sores in my mouth. Ironically, I've never had a cold sore in my life before, so this is an unpleasant development.

Hannah was all geared up to go to the childminders anyway, so I let her go, and spent an extremely lazy day, feeling virtuous cos the house is clean, the shopping has been done, and the presents wrapped, in anticipation of being at work for two days. And it turned out to be just as well I hadn't gone to Edinburgh, as the windscreen wiper fell off on my way back from the childminder. What is it with me an windscreen wipers. Anyway, car is going nowhere in foreseeable future, and I'm just waiting to see if it will pass its MOT before I go to that used donkey place.

Just waiting for Hannah to go to bed, so that I can take my happy pills. He said they might make me sleepy - well, that WOULD be a pleasant, though unusual development. When I phoned work, my secretary told me I had a letter in the internal main marked private and confidential, so I guess that's about my future. I told her to send it on second class, so it doesn't spoil Xmas. I'll be forced into ranting as soon as I get it, so I'd really rather not bother this week. So -its official. I'm on holiday :-) Off to watch the Stepford Wives (new and old, back to back). Bob thinks he may get one for Xmas. In his dreams ;-)

I've just sat down.......

......and I'm absolutely knackered. I'm working for the next two days, so I've been trying to get everything organised today. Despite that, we managed to have a rather pleasant day.

Hannah sprung it on me this morning that she needed to take 6 cakes to the Brownie party tonight. I had a bit of a rant, phoned around, discovered it was true, told her she would need to take bought, and then felt like wicked mummy when she burst into tears and said all the other mummies would make cakes. I doubt it somehow.

However, Bob saved the day as he was on back shift, and he supervised Hannah making them herself, so that was a crisis averted. While doing so, they cracked open an egg, which had another tiny little egg inside it. So, like any good HEer would, we popped it under the microscope, and it had minute pieces of feather etc inside it. Fascinating. Well, slightly interesting.

The rest of the day, I've blitzed the house, in a superficial, "maybe my mother won't think I'm a dirty midden" sort of way. But this afternoon, Hannah suddenly appeared with a pile of Read and Wonder books under her arm, and asked me to read them to her. I was about to say that I was too busy, and I suddenly thought, she's growing up so fast, soon she won't want me to do these things anymore. So I parked the dyson, made some hot chocolate, and we snuggled and read all afternoon. Which explains why I only sat down 10 minutes ago. (oh except when I watched the homeschool wife swap. Scary)

And I've just discovered that both our green and blue bins are nearly full for some reason, and neither will get emptied for a fortnight. I don't know why they insist doing the brown bin as often as the others during the winter, as most weeks people don't even put the brown one out. The mysteries of local government decision making.

So must go and wash my hair, so that I can get a quick start in the morning.

Hannah was at Bob's work Xmas party yesterday, and they always get rather good Santa presents (well, I say that as she has somehow managed never to be given that disembodied head thing that they are meant to put make-up on). So yesterday she got a large (140 piece) set of the alternative geo-mags. I thought she might be disappointed, partly as she already has quite a lot of them, and partly as she was the only girl to get that - all the other 8 yogs got Fur Real cats, and the magnets were obviously the 8yob present. I suspect Bob may have had a hand in it, and in fact she was delighted (as I was, tbh), and has just spent the evening making some complex structure of linking triangles. She has aspirations to tackle the Eiffel Tower from the FF catalogue, but she still doesn't have 30% of what she would need for that.

We also popped into the library to look at the S+S workbooks, but they got a thumbs down. She seems to have a very clear idea of what she wants - she says she wants to know "what happens to the numbers when you aren't looking at them". We do have rods etc, and she uses them a fair bit, but she uses them as memory joggers really, they just aren't meeting the needs she seems to have. I'm going to have to look into this a bit more seriously, I think.

Then I phoned the dentist, as I've been really worried by this awful stabbing, boring-type pain I have in the roof of my mouth, which is so bad it is even making my nose hurt. There's nothing to see, and when I press hard with my thumb its not sore at all, but just passing my tongue over it can make it hurt terribly. Anyway, he says it sounds like post herpetic neuralgia, a hangover from the shingles he thought I had in my mouth a few months ago. I'm still not convinced it WAS shingles though, as I had more than one crop of lesions - they came and went for about 8 weeks, and they didn't looked more like broken spots on the roof of my mouth, rather than herpes. And anyway - never heard of shingles inside your mouth. Anyone?

Hannah is in bed now, listening to her Shakespeare CD, and I'm looking forward to Santa bringing her the pink boom box, so I can get my walkman back. Which probably sounds very quaint, but I like it - I've never got into listening to CDs on the computer, and certainly not into downloading music.

And a final question, which there probably isn't an answer too. One of my addresses is just getting bombarded with junk mail. About 50 a day. Its not a disposable address, unfortunately, and I have spam safety bar, which has about a 95% hit rate of removing them. But what is concerning me really is Hannah coming across them, as I do keep them in a folder till I check nothing else has been binned by mistake. Till very recently, they were annoying, but not particularly offensive - the usual prescription medicines, loan offers, prize draws etc, plus loads of blank ones. But over the last 10 days or so, they have become very nasty - pretty hard core graphic porn, possibly bordering on paedophilia, bestiality etc. I've got XP set so that it doesn't download images in emails without clicking on the tool bar, but even so, the text is pretty bad sometimes. Any ideas? Is there anything I can do to stop them downloading at all, which would be the ideal, and then I could check them on the web site now and then?

Anyone fancy a party?

Cos I'm never asleep during the night, so roll on up. Yawn.

We were determined to see Santa today, after he got flooded out last week, so we were there for the reindeer landing at 10.30 am. He was actually rather cute, but didn't invite me to sit on his knee. Hannah told him all she wanted was a surprise, and I told him I'd like dreamweaver, but I don't think he was listening. I don't think it was too bad really - but that's mainly as I only have one to pay for. Anyway, it was £5, but that included a very acceptable grotto, cuddly Santa, and 2 hours in the soft play area, with a tea voucher for me. However, I wasn't allowed to take a photo in the grotto as guess what - they was a value added service that they would provide me with for another £3.50. I think not.

Before that we were waiting for B+Q to open, so I could stock up on Xmas essentials such as a new pedal bin and vegetable rack. You can tell my mother is coming. I also got a set of mugs for £6, which was less than half price, and means I can ditch the eclectic set that advise me I've stopped smoking, that I'm only having safe sex, that I'm a woman with attitude, and that there is no *I* in team (well, I KNOW that obviously, so why do I need a mug to tell me). Anyway, it will stop Bob from insisting on giving my mum the mug that says "I only do it with a condom". Lovely.

Hannah and I then had "a very serious conversation" in the car on the way home. Her maths is the odd mixture of complete blankness when it comes to counting, adding, etc etc, but at the same time, she loves complicated things about numbers. Personally, I'm sure its part and parcel of the dyslexia issues, and is because she finds it so hard to organise her thoughts, or see patterns etc. So she wonders if there is anything like Jolly Phonics for maths. (heart sinks) Workbooks aren't really the answer, she needs something where she can be talked through the actual thought processes again and again. CPG (and indeed most workbooks or study/text books I've looked at), are far too busy for her to cope with. She gets completely freaked when she sees a cluttered page, with lots going on, and says that it all starts to jiggle about. So I need something absolutely incremental, where there are tiny steps, each building on the one before, which talks you through the thinking, and which has no clutter, cute characters, funny sayings, etc on the pages. And preferable point size 16, with a cream background, but if I can get all the rest, I can live without that one. So any ideas? Actually, I think she is probably right. She DOES need JP for maths :-/

By popular demand (nothing about education)

The potty blog (will probably not be allowed to stay here for posterity, so it's a once in a lifetime opportunity)

I travel to and from work on a little known road called the A70. If I was in England, it would probably be a B road, but up here, we like our roads to feel good about themselves, so we give them important numbers. So it's a 100 miles of twisty, turning narrow road, with the exception of the last 5 miles at each end. Its only advantage is that it avoids the motorway. In the summer it's very scenic, and passes lochs, hills and miles of isolated moor, where you see on one. The biggest hazard is the sheep. Except when you drive through villages where you *see* no one, but you just know that as they hear a car, they all stop in-breeding to briefly lurk behind their windows breathing heavily (apologies at this point to anyone who lives along this road, and who may be offended by the literary hyperbole) to watch you passing, as the single eye in the middle of their forehead blinks in its socket.

In the winter, its impassable if it snows, but most days I can still use it, although I can never make up my mind if it would be better to break down there or on the manic M8. There is only a five mile slot in the middle where you don't get a mobile signal, so I drive these fast, with my eyes shut, holding my breath, and willing the car to keep going. The motorist's version of that little trick one does as the aeroplane takes off, and you shriek at your travelling companion "don't talk to me, asshole, I'm CONCENTRATING ON KEEPING THE PLANE IN THE AIR!!!!!".

Anyway, last week I left work about 6.30, and by the time I was out of Edinburgh, I was in the worst fog conditions I think I've ever driven in. I drove the entire way home following the white line, and in places where the line was short dashes, you actually left one dash, before the next one appeared in view. I think the worst thing was that it was relentless, so it wasn't a case of a bad patch, and then it cleared for a bit. The journey in the end took me over 4 hours. So about 2 hours into it, I start to really, really need to go to the loo. A combination of too much tea in the office, and all the stress of the journey.

I go over and over the road in my mind, but nope, no petrol station, no pub, nothing that springs to mind as a place I could stop. And then out of nowhere the potty thought popped into my mind. Could it still be there after all those years? I rummage under my seat, and there it is, in a little plastic carry case - a folding potty. Hurray. Now - where to stop? Fog far to bad to contemplate stopping on the road, and I'm also not seeing the occasional lay-bys till the last minute. But eventually I manage to work out in my mind where the next one will be and I pull into it.

But where to use the bloody thing? The entire point of being nervous in the dark in an isolated spot is that you just know that there is a roving maniac out there, in that bush, waiting for you to get out of the car. And that's without thinking about the one eyed locals, who reportedly may have cannibalistic tendencies. There is no way I am taking my tights off outside. I have a brief willy fantasy.

Eventually, I bung my briefcase and laptop, the booster seat, my jacket and all the other paraphernalia into the back of the car, clamber over the gear stick, rip my tights off, set up the potty in the passenger floor well, and ahhhhh. Bliss. 30 seconds later and unthinkable thought finally breaks through the denial in my mind - the potty isn't going to be big enough. And in the rising hysteria, my pelvic floor has gone AWOL.

I'm still 40 miles from home. My shoes are wet. I've no tights on, there is a full potty sitting in the passenger footwell, and a puddle on the floor. Fortunately I had to drive very slowly.

Sometime before 11pm, I get into the drive, burst into tears, toot the horn till Bob appears, tell him that I'm going to have a bath and a drink, and he needs to clean up the puddle on the floor. Yes, I'm a feminist. But some jobs are really his.

I was never one of those girls that opened "Jackie" at the quiz......

and now I see why..

You are 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'. You take Christmas very seriously. For you, it is a religious festival, celebrating the birth of the Saviour, and its current secularisation really irritates you. You enjoy the period of Advent leading up to Christmas, and attend any local carol services you can find, as well as the more contemplative Advent church services each Sunday. You may be involved in Christmas food collections or similar charity work. The midnight service at your church, with candles and carols, is one you look forward to all year, and you also look forward to the family get together on Christmas Day.

Apart for the fact I find the music to that carol rather rousing and cheerful, this one got me wrong in just about every aspect.

tissue paper art Just testing. If it really is this easy to use Hello, I'll be kicking myself I didn't do it months ago.

Haven't seen Hannah.......

but otherwise remarkably successful. Bob was off today, and offered Hannah not to go to the childminder, but she insisted she wanted to go as they had "plans". It's unknown for Hannah not to grab any offer not to go to daycare, so this childminder must be something. So since Bob found himself at a loose end, science kit in hand, he decided to come to Glasgow with me.

I've been moaning about my lack of shoes, as I don't have anything which is "normal" really, and he said that if I wouldn't get them myself, I should have them for Xmas, so before I went to my meeting, we rushed into Scuh, and I tried on four pairs I liked, told him any of them were great, and left it to him to make the final selection. We met up again for a coffee in the early afternoon, and threw ethics to the wind, and did a whistle stop tour of M+S food hall. So the freezer now has lots of nice but quick things for over the holidays, so that we can be festive on the rare moments when he will be at home over Xmas.

Got home to discover that the parcel from you-know-who had arrived, and been jammed under the caravan. Glad to have it at last, but given it's value, not entirely delighted. And not even a note to say they'd been, and where they had left it, so again, had we been home half an hour later, wouldn't have noticed it in the dark. Also got a nice email from Bright Minds to say that the order placed on Monday evening had been dispatched today, and giving me an on-line tracking reference. They could obviously teach this other lot a thing about customer service. Anyway, that's a couple of wee stocking things I wanted, plus all the December birthdays taken care of, so that's it all done, apart from the Amazon order, which is still making me nervous.

Hannah has now passed her gold level swimming thing, so she is pleased, and she's signed up for the platinum classes after the holidays. I thought the only option now would be the club, but there is one platinum class a week, and although they do diving and competitive swimming within the class, they don't need to commit to training, which I was pleased about. And fortunately the class doesn't clash with anything else she does.

Beep, beep!

Why am I not as pleased as they are, when the beep beep company emails me at 10pm at night, and tell me that the order I placed a month ago, and was promised by last Friday AT THE LATEST, has been tracked on line, and that they are pleased to tell me that at 13.10 today, their courier logged it at their Glasgow office?? It may have been but it is no nearer being with me, and if they don't get us in tomorrow, which they won't, they will take the flaming parcel back anyway. Somehow every time they tell me something which is meant to be positive, it makes me even madder.......And then they have the audacity in their anglo-centric way to tell me that the problem is that I live in Scotland. And why is that a problem? And if it is, maybe they should have told me that before they took my money. I'm not in a remote area, and actually, the flaming mail usually finds us within a day of posting, so maybe if it was such an issue, they should have used them, instead of some poxy courier service that runs out of steam around Watford, and thinks Manchester is the far north. AAGGGHHHH!!!!

And while I'm on this rant, WTF is it with the Book People? I went out to put the paper re-cycling in the blue bin tonight, and just happened to notice that there was a book people parcel in the BIN!!! I could easily have put something in on top of it, and that would have been it gone. And Bob probably wouldn't even have noticed in the dark. Or what if the bin had been emptied. What NUMPTY would do a thing like that. (have to say though that the children's Shakespeare books are very good)

Anyway, horrible day, so off to bed.

Fourth post of the day

Which is certainly an indication that I need to get a life, as in between polishing my bread maker, reminding others of their blogging commitments ;-), and fantasising about setting up a business that will help me escape from work, while at the same time allowing Bob to keep a job that lets him be involved in the HE, I seem not to have done much. But we have been thinking about next year. This is not an orgo-planning session, but I do think that it would be good if Hannah stretched her brain a bit more, as I feel that she is bored quite often. Bob especially has been getting very twitchy recently, and she picks up on that so easily, and she has such a crisis of confidence.

Anyway, all three of us had a team meeting about it tonight (don't laugh, it's Hannah's expression), and we talked about what she is interested in. The main things she came up with was history, animals and plants. She also wants to carry on practising her reading every day, and admits that she is starting to feel embarrassed about her writing and spelling, if she needs to do it in front of other people. Her short term memory issues also makes simple maths a problem, but I think that needs a different approach really, which she and I need to work out together. I think now she has cracked reading, she at least has some belief that it might be possible to do the other things that her dyslexia makes so challenging for her. We started off looking through the Eden Project stuff that we've collected over the years, and then I found the Biome Calendar on Enchanted Learning. I've suggested we use the calendar as the basis for a project a month during 2005, looking at all the biomes. She seems very enthusiastic at the moment, though we might not actually ever get past February, but I thought we'd give it a try.

I'm hoping that it will give her a focus to practise some core skills she's working on, especially in terms of organisation and planning what she is doing, so she can develop her mind mapping further, plus her IT skills, and we can still do lots of crafty things, reading, and discovery work in the areas where she has interests. So it feels like a plan, but not a plan, plan. Not enough of a plan to get me kicked out of the LBS ;-)

So what IS the keyboard short cut for refresh? On my last PC it was F5, but on this one, that takes me to my home page. None of the other F keys do it either. I know its on right click, but I'm just not a right click woman......

Waited in nearly all day for the parcel that was supposed to come from that beep beep company. Promised originally it would definitely come on Friday. Didn't. Rant rant. Promised it had been sent by courier on Friday, and would arrive on Monday. Didn't. Rant rant. Promised that it would be here today. Isn't. Sent major stroppy email.

Went to see Santa late this afternoon. Grotto flooded. Santa has flu.

Other than that, lets see. Made a clay elephant with Hannah, which appears to have worked. Discovered that the clay is much easier to use if you put vaseline on your hand first - it remains to be seen whether it will affect the drying qualities. Got to play Dick, Julian and Anne's mum in the FF. Decided that I would therefore do exactly what she did, and send child off alone to have an adventure on the edge of dangerous cliffs, surrounded by roving smugglers, who may also potentially be paedophiles, with nothing for protection but good old Timmy, a plastic mac, a cheese sandwich and a bottle of pop. Which meant Hannah spent a happy hour in the dining room, while sitting in the wash basket with a picnic and a soft toy dog, pretending she was going to row out to switch the lighthouse back on. Good for the imagination, I'm sure. And while she was doing that, I cleaned the kitchen and wrapped some presents for posting at some undefined point before 18 December. I'm feeling slightly anxious that my amazon delivery date seems to be moving further away every day, and my mum's present is in there. In fact, it's hers that is causing the delay. It started off the 16th, and today its the 21st. However, Amazon has never let me down yet, unlike that other shower of useless mail order people, so I'm cautiously optimisitc.

And the rest of the day we've done arty things, read, played some more with Kid Pix, and watched another episode of the Life of Mammals.

Weather is unspeakably foul. It's hardly been daylight at all for the last three days, and we haven't had the lights or the heating off at all during the day. My heart sings when we turn the corner of 21 December, even though weather wise January is usually worse.

Tomorrow I have some horribly awful planning meeting at work, which will last all day, and which I am dreading. I may have to drink tomorrow night. Still fantasising about alternative ways to make money......

I know I've forgotten something.....

as I am scarily organised. The cards went ages ago, the tree is up, the shopping list is written for Bob, Santa is in the loft, and I have even departed from tradition and bought Bob a present. And rather than making me feel good about myself, its making me very very anxious........

Had a few hours at work, while Bob took Hannah to the climbing wall (his job, as I can't bear to watch). Normally she's up there like a monkey, but today she just wouldn't do it apparently. Kept saying the harness didn't feel right. The guy checked it, changed it, went over all the ropes again etc, but she wasn't having it, and didn't make more than 6 feet off the ground. None of which matters, really, except as soon as she got out of the place, she was upset at herself for not doing it. My personal opinion is that she went far too high too fast last time, and ended up abseiling down as she couldn't find the footholds, and has lost her nerve a bit, but who am I to argue. Grrr.

When we came home, we did some of the activities from Two Brothers, from the Film Education people, and then I installed Kids Pix for her on the laptop, and that was a huge success. She's made a variety of animated cartoons, and some winter scenes, and then decorated a map of Africa. We've had that programme for a couple of years, and she's never shown any interest in it before, but she suddenly just seems to have taken to it.

And the roadwork's have finally gone from the road outside our house. MAJOR triumph, as it was adding 45 mins onto journey time anywhere, which is rather depressing when you are already facing a 3 hour commute. They finished a week earlier than we were warned they would, so it was a very nice surprise when Bob came home from work last night and told me - they'd still been there when we'd come home at dinner time, but I think they've been working more or less round the clock.

Bob is thinking about doing the Reading Marathon, but I told him Layla would probably never speak to us again if we did - I seem to remember a major rant about it last year. Nevertheless, it's at a good time of year, so we may do it. He still has a fantasy of a 3 hour marathon in him, which would get him an automatic entry into Boston, but to be honest, I think he might be better to wait till he's 50, and then his PB of 3.15 would be enough. But still, better be supportive :-)

And so to bed......

Ho- hum.

If I had wordpress, I would put this in a category labelled "excesses". Woke up with a blinding headache and a mouth like a badgers bum. I ended up waiting up for Bob last night, and then we decided to have a glass of wine, which somehow turned into a whole bottle. Which normally I could cope with, but on top of a week of low carbohydrate eating it made me feel awful. Didn't get to bed till 2am, as we ended up trying to thrash one another at Rush Hour for ages. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Ended up that the only thing that I could even think of eating this morning was toast with jam, so that ballsed it up for today as well. However, I have been back on the wagon since.

Hannah was terrified she'd miss A Different Life,and drove me bonkers about it from 5.30am onwards. We all thoroughly enjoyed the programme, for all sorts of reasons, and Hannah may even be considering moving in with the Clarkes, I suspect, as HE there looks infinitely more appealing that the version she gets here ;-). However, I've had a couple of pretty unpleasant off blog emails as a result of my response to those comments that said the programme would make other people feel that could HE as it showed how accesible it was to ordinary families. I don't agree with that, still don't, and don't think it matters as IMO it wasn't the point (or the target group) of the programme. Anyway, if you're reading this, your hate mail has been deleted via the file marked "tossers".

This afternoon, Hannah had a three hour drama workshop, followed by a show, and she did really well. The drama worker told me she was "conscientious", which I think means she maybe doesn't have a lot of innate talent in this area, but she works hard ;-). When we got home, Hannah insisted that we watch a Different Life another twice, so if that novelty doesn't wear off soon, it may need to go the way of the Christmas DVDs ;-)

And then this evening, we've watched a couple of episodes of the Life of Mammals - Hannah at one point squealing for me to come through from the kitchen and watch the impala "having sexual intercourse in front of the camera". Lovely. I wonder if it is true that you get the children you deserve.

I'm going to work tomorrow for a few hours, as Bob is off. There's a big union meeting about our re-organisation, and I feel obliged to show face. We may all go though, as Edinburgh is lovely at this time of year, with a fairground, Xmas market, skate rink etc in the main gardens. So it will be a pleasant day out, and get me out of driving for a change. Hannah is going to do more work on her Africa thing she is doing, she says, and is trying to fill in the countries on an African map in bed atm. I thought she's decided to leave it aside till after Xmas, but she seems to have picked up her interest in it again.

Games and puzzles

Have been the theme for the day again. It's been lovely actually. Bad mummy confession coming up - I loathe and detest playing games like snakes and ladders and ludo, but I suddenly realised that the Hannah was probably ready to start to learn how to play the vast number of more strategic games I've amassed over the last three years or so, on an opportunistic basis, from boot sales, church fetes, charity shops and the like. We've been playing Mancala (love it!), and Rush Hour for a while now, but today we looked through all the rest, moved them to the downstairs shelves, tracked down any missing instructions on the internet, and started to play. And I've actually really enjoyed it. I've been trying her to encourage to reflect on the process of the game, and develop a model of how it works in her head, rather than the rather random way she can sometimes tackle those things. So that's been fun.

After Bob went to work, we went to the pool for an hour, and I sat with a magazine (bliss). It is all so much better when they are able enough to go into the pool without you. And actually, I'm not convinced that she doesn't have a better time as well, as she nearly always hooks up with other children if I'm not in the water with her. OK, tame excuse :-) All the inflatable were out today, so the kids had a focus to gather around, plus it meant that the diving boards were closed, so that reduces a lot of (my) anxiety, about people jumping on her.Straight after swimming was drama, so I had more sitting around and tea drinking with a friend while she did that. I usually have a 10k walk while she's doing these things, but it was so cold and foggy at the sea front today, tea drinking sounded a better activity.

We had a very civilised dinner, and then Hannah (well, me too, really) watched the X Factor while I half heartedly worked with the laptop on my knee, and while we were waiting for the results, she did some recorder practice, and learned her songs for tomorrow - when there is a 4 hour drama workshop in the afternoon, followed by a short show. I will not dwell on the fact that I feel like a single parent at all these things, as Bob is always at work at a weekend when they are on. He'll be home in a couple of hours, so can't decide whether to stay up and be interested in his day, or clear off to bed with a book, and be grumpy when I'm disturbed.

And that's it.

I've asked for too much!!

Bit of a crisis this morning, with Hannah in floods of tears for about an hour. Wouldn't tell me what was wrong, and eventually blurted out "I've asked for toooo much. Santa will think I'm greedy" Eh? She has asked for less than just about any child I know - Her pink radio cassette and if there is "any money left" a Baby Born doll. Total amount came to £53. I have to say I didn't think that was excessively demanding, really. On top of that, she'll have her stocking, one present from both sets of grandparents, and surprises like the layette for the doll which I'm knitting, and a sling that Katy has made for me. And that's it, really. Anyway, she was inconsolable for ages, and I'm not sure where its come from really, as I've never put conditions on Santa - well, apart from the one that says you can't ask for piles of stuff, but if there is a few things you would like, its fine to say what they are, and then Santa will choose something from that list. But I've never used him to threaten her about her behaviour. Oh well, kids are funny.

I've also got a bit of a rant about that toy-company-who-can't-be-named-but-Sarah-knows-who-I-mean. I was promised deliver of a mail order today, that about six of us had put in collectively. We needed it by today because several of the items are birthday presents. The only thing I had ordered was the Digicolour thing. So we ordered it over three weeks ago, and was told the order couldn't be sent straight away as some of the items weren't in stock. I said that we needed a definite assurance that it would arrive by today, and if they couldn't give it, I would cancel then, and try to source them elsewhere, but was ASSURED that there was no problem. So no sign of them, I've phoned, emailed etc, and no response. I used to like the stuff when you could buy it from their shops, but this is the third order muck-up I've had with them, so they will be getting told this time that I will never order from them again. I can't believe how bad their customer service is, and this isn't a micky mouse order by any means. Grrr.

I had one long (very long as it turned out) business call to make this morning, so between that and ranting at this company, and pouring oil on Santa-troubled waters, it was lunch time before we knew it. So I promised Hannah she would have my undivided attention this afternoon, but she didn't want to do anything Christmassy, so we got out Rush Hour, Connect 4, and Draughts, and had a very satisfying afternoon lolling about with the Christmas tree lights on, and playing games. All very Enid Blytonish.

This evening, we were playing hairdressers (sigh) when Little Angels came on. I didn't really think she was paying it any attention, but she suddenly announced "I think that little boys problem is that no one is showing him any respect". Not quite sure what to make of THAT particular gem.

And so to bed....

I should really....

......ditch the tree on the 6 January, and be forced into buying a new one the following year. I think for three years now I've been saying we need a new one, but I still pack the old one away "just in case" (in case of what - I want to put it up in July or something?) and by the time it comes out of the loft, I either can't be arsed getting a new one, or it just seems an unnecessary expense. Anyway, Hannah won the day, and the tree is up two weeks earlier than we have EVER had it up before. Although we did have to pop out to buy some extra tinsel to cover its modesty. I think we might have had to do the same last year, to be honest, as we had a lot more baubles etc then I remembered. Anyway, I've convinced myself it's environmentally sound to re-use it (about 18 times, now!), so I've made a virtue out of having a bald tree.

We've finished the MP cards, plus about another 20 Hannah wanted to do, and she's done really well. She ran out of steam with the MP extras that arrived late, and begged me to do them for her, but apart from the last half dozen, they've all been hand assembled and personally signed :-)

She has also learned her 6 and 7 times tables, and done a fair bit of reading, so I'm feeling relatively relaxed about that as well.

I also wanted to say thank to the people who have emailed me off blog with their support about PCOS - I won't name names to protect the innocent, but you know who you are :-) It's been incredibly supportive to hear the positive stories from so many woman about low carb diets and PCOS, so I have decided to try it. I phoned the endocrinologist today, and he has arranged for me to see a nutritionist, who will help me set it up. I actually feel I need that support, as I've spent years on the conventional "healthy" low fat, high carb diet, and I'm a bit at a loss of how to do this, especially as it will mean re-introducing meat. He said that it WAS just possible to do it on a meat free diet, but it would be very hard and boring, and he suggested that if I had an initial couple of months with meat, then I could probably start cutting it out again. So I went into a farm shop along the road, and discovered they sell their own organic meat, so I am picking up an order on Friday. I've struggled with this in my mind, but I've made the decision that if this will help me be well, then I need to try it, as I've been feeling so desperate recently. It helps a bit probably, that I'm not actually an animal lover, and it was never my motivation for being vegetarian.

Interestingly, he also thought that I have possibly been given a premature diagnosis of early menopause, and that he tended towards thinking that the issue may be a gradual deterioration in the PCOS, which no one has recognised as such, as I had such a marked improvement following prolonged breastfeeding, and have been relatively symptom free for a good few years. However, he doesn't want to mess about with any hormonal treatment till he is sure about that, so I need to see him again for lots of bloods etc. But he seems vastly better than the tosser I used to have, who has now gone to inflict himself solely on the BUPA paying public. So while I'm not sure that I actually feel any better, and still should probably be walking around with a label round my neck saying "**** with me at your peril", I do feel a little more optimistic than I did.

Today I managed to find the energy to give the house a thorough pre-Christmas clean, the spare room it ready for visitors, and the last eBay parcel has gone, so I can get into my office again. I've still got a pile of packaging for re-use in one corner, but its quite tolerable for now. So work for the next couple of days, and then back to Christmassy things on Friday :-)

Brain failing - can't remember what we did yesterday. Um - I did lots of research on low carb diets, and started to think very seriously about the meat eating issue, and whether its something I'm prepared to try. A lot of what I've read does seem to indicate that it can help with a lot of the symptoms of PCOS, and given that these are almost as bad now as they have ever been, after a few years of being relatively symptom free, I'm giving it proper consideration. But in the meantime, we had a lovely nut roast with sherry gravy last night. :-)

Hannah did some more Xmas card stuff, but then ended up getting sent to bed by DH in the evening for being really cheeky. The problem is she's exhausted. She is only sleeping for a few hours a night, and you only have to look at her to see its not enough. Before that though, her and I did some DWN stuff - koalas, moose, and a rather unsuccessful kangaroo. I must get back in the habit of doing pictures on the blog.

Today, I have ordered gift subscriptions for my mum and dad for Xmas - so that was easy :-), and Bob is currently doing the ironing (hurray!), and watching Touching the Void with Hannah. She is eating a bag of chocolate coins, left in her shoe by St Nicholas last night. And I'm trying to think about what of my LONG list of tasks I should tackle first. I also accidently ordered Simon Schama's History of Britain on DVD - Amazon has 40% off it, so it seemed rude not too, and I'm sure its a legitimate HE expense.

Well, (feeling very virtuous), we've made all the MP Xmas cards, bar the last 5, plus about 6 others she wants, so that was all very satisfactory. I think its the first year I haven't been rushing out to buy them on the 17th, and then coercing DH into writing them with me at midnight. I do confess to them being rather more home assembled than home made, after my therapy session in Lakeland crafts the other day, but at least they don't represent a glitter hazard ;-) Tomorrow we'll start on general Xmas crud. I've got the borax and the pipecleaners at the ready for the snowflakes. (Assuming I can find the recipe. That Teel Family can never be found when you need them.)

Otherwise, loads of reading, cuddling and generally trying to redeem myself after the awfulness of the last month. Things have come to a sorry state when having someone confirm that you are ill makes you feel better. :-( I feel very hard done by that the PCOS has decided to have this last stand before they shut up shop.

This evening, since it is (yet again) a girls night in, we are going to watch National Lampoon Xmas Vacation, and Elf, bought specially for just such an occasion.

Ho hum

Why is it that when people don't pay you on eBay, and you send a very mild email pointing this out, and follow it up a four days later (after the "cheque is in the post"), with another very neutral reminder, mentioning that said cheque has yet to arrive, and that you also need to re-coup your costs, that they feel they can go off on one, and its all "my" fault for not taking paypal?? Cyber rage :-( It's funny how people feel they can say the most awful things by email and its OK, where I'm sure she wouldn't have been so unpleasant to my face. Although I've had many more good transactions than bad ones, but even so. And I sold the desk and chair off eBay after the auction closed, to a woman in Edinburgh, so that was a success. She picked it up from my office, and paid cash on the spot.

Anyway, there is a slight improvement in things here. The glitter seems to be helping.;-) Hannah has also taken it upon herself to memorise her tables, so she is using her leapfrog twist and shout thingy every day, and had a eureka moment with a multiplication square. Even though I know I've been pointing out this particular phenomena for months. Anyway, she has mastered 2,3,4,5,6,10,11 and most of 12. So that's good. Plus she now has only 3 of the Secret Sevens left to read, and is starting on the Naughtiest Girl. The down side is she's starting to speak like the product of a 1940's boarding school upbringing, but hey - can't have everything. At least all these hellishly boring days of de-constructing and re-constructing every word in the dictionary seems to be paying off. We even had to pay an emergency visit to the library as she had almost run out of things to read. Not that the library had them. They had several sets of the Babysitters Club and Mary Kate and Ashley, but the only Enid Blyton they had was teeny print. So we ended up in Smiths. On one hand, I wish it wasn't old Enid that was turning her on, but I guess I loved her at that age, and I didn't end up a conservative voter, so she may be OK :-)

The love affair with the childminder continues. Hannah even chose to go there yesterday when she didn't need to. But that may say more about my grumpiness than the childminders excellence.

Today we went to see the Borrowers with a HE friend, and that was excellent. As it was a matinee we were surrounded by schools - and it was a bit of a sobering experience to hear JUST how much the teachers shout at the kids. IT made me feel quite mellow by comparison, really.

And I was at the endocrinologist yesterday. We're getting our money's worth out of the NHS anyway. Sigh. My PCOS seems to be worse again, at a point in my life where they promised me it would get better, and he suggested a high protein diet as being of proven helpfulness. Never heard of that before -all you usually get is the dangers of them. I need to google it, but he seemed sure of his facts. He says that if I want to try it, I'd need to see a nutritionist, but it's not at the Atkins level, in that you still eat fruit and veg. But basically that's it - lots and lots of low fat meat, fruit and veggies. No pulses, wheat, cereal. So hard on a veggie diet (probably not possible in fact), but if it would make me feel (and look) better, I may start eyeing up the turkeys. I'll need to find turkeys that have had happy lives though.

A conundrum

I really fancy a drink. But the only thing i seem to be able to drink these days without triggering off my SVT is a reasonable quality fizzy plonk. Now, we have one of those in the house, but Bob is in Manchester and I can't get the top off. And now I've taken the cage off, I'm worried it will BURST open. What to do?